Healing
by densiaddiction83
Summary: "But now, as hot tears ran down Kensi's cheeks, she somehow couldn't find herself. She just felt lost." What could've happened if Callen and Sam hadn't interrupted Kensi. [5x01]
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! This is my first fanfic ever. I hope you like it, but if you find any typos, please tell me. My autocorrect is in portuguese!**

**Disclaimer:I** **do** **not** **own** **any** **of** **the** **characters** **of** **NCIS:** **LA**. **But** **I** **wish** **I** **did!**

**Chapter** **1** **-** **Broken**

Kensi could see by the way his eyes glazed over, that he was not the same man she knew. That was not the same Marty Deeks that always cracked jokes to defuse the tension, who could always come up with a witty response to everything and the one she could share some good-hearted banter with. No, that was merely a shadow of the strong, kind man Deeks was and Kensi had a scary feeling that life was repeating itself. She, too, watched Jack slip away, and Deeks was slipping through her fingers like right now. Kensi could sense it.

Turning around, with tears in her own eyes, she heard him call her name.

"Kens?"

Kensi turned to face him, glad to hear him say something else. Part of her even wished he would talk about the kiss, just so she could see that he was still there, that the Deeks standing in front of her wasn't just an emotionless clone.

"I just want you to know that the place I went to in my head, to stop the pain, was you. I just kept thinking about your smile, your laugh... everything. Just thought you should know... for whatever it's worth."

Kensi couldn't breath, for a moment. Deeks had just poured his heart out, just like he had before, on that hill top. And once again, she found herself freezing. Kensi had absolutely no idea of what she should say. Maybe Deeks was right: her communication skills did suck. Was it her time with Jack, and the aftermath of it, that made her incapable of talking about her feelings? Was it because of her father's death?

Contemplating the two, Kensi made a decision. She was tired of being broken, of being alone. So she decided to just say what she meant.

"It's worth a lot."

Screw carefulness. Screw being afraid to follow your heart. She took three steps forward, stopping short from his personal space.

"It's worth more than you could ever imagine."

Standing on the tip of her toes, to match his height, Kensi braced herself to repeat Deeks' action. But, to her surprise, he took a step back and she was able to see the vulnerable look on the detective's face.

"I'm sorry, Kens, but I really need to take a break from everything. And yes, from everyone too."

In that moment, they weren't 'Bad-Ass Blye' or 'The Jungle Cat' anymore. They were just two broken people, and they both could see it.

Deeks looked into his partner's eyes for one more second. He took notice of the tears in her eyes, threatening to spill over, and knew that he was partially causing them, but not even that made him second-guess himself. Deeks wasn't lying when he said that he needed to take a break. He _had_ to, especially from Kensi. Not that he was willing to admit it, but when Kensi left him after he kissed her, it hurt more than the drill piercing into his gum and teeth. So Deeks maneuvered around the tearful agent, whispered another apology and walked out of the mission, leaving Kensi alone with her broken heart in the bullpen.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

Kensi got into her SRX and slammed the door shut. Gripping the steering wheel until her knuckles turned white, she lightly banged her head against it. 'Stupid, stupid, stupid!', silently yelled Kensi. She should have known that was not the right time to make her move. Hell, she had known it wasn't, but still, that little part of her brain that wanted to prove to herself that she wasn't broken chose to speak loudly.

Pulling out of the parking lot, she drove almost mechanically, not paying attention to the road. Kensi pulled over and got out of the car, still in a zombie-like manner. She couldn't think of anything else besides Deeks. The way his eyes glazed with tears, the vulnerability in his voice when Deeks said he needed a break, the way his lips felt against hers, not so long ago...

After kicking the door shut, Kensi made her way to her bedroom, kicking of her boots in the process, and threw herself onto the bed. The moment her stomach hit the mattress, Kensi broke down. She always praised herself for not being the typical girl, who cried when her nail polish chipped. But now, as hot tears ran down Kensi's cheeks, she somehow couldn't find herself, the Kensi who never cried and who could kick anybody's ass. Kensi just felt _lost_.

* * *

And that's it, first chapter! Please review and tell me if you want me to continue. Bye!

Laura


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys, I'm back! Just so you know, I'll update weekly, and some times even twice a week. Thanks to all of you who reviewed or favorited my story! It means a lot. =)**

**Disclaimer: I, unfortunately, do not own any of the characters of NCIS: LA. Oh, well...**

**Chapter 2- Crash**

Two months. Two months had gone by, weeks without any news from partner, without any signs he still existed. In those 61 days where Kensi hardly smiled or talked about anything other than work, she had fallen into a routine, almost like an every-day ritual, which consisted of something that only seemed to make Kensi sadder.

Every morning, Kensi would drive by Deeks's house and fight the tear that, recently, always threatened to fall. She didn't know why she made that detour on the way to work; it was something instinctive. Kensi only knew that, when she drove by, she would evaluate the detective's house. Windows closed, lights too, always. What did that mean? Did he go away, or was he 'just' in a temporary state of isolation?

Work wasn't exciting anymore. Sure, there were still shootings and chasings, but when she woke up in the morning, she was no longer looking forward to go to work. It had become an obligation, and even Callen and Sam were beginning to notice it. They invited Kensi to have drinks, to go out with them, but she didn't go. It just didn't feel right.

In Kensi's spare time, she often found herself calling Deeks, only to have her calls rejected. And it killed her, crushed her heart into tiny little pieces that didn't fit together anymore. Was he angry? Peraphs. Sad? Most definetly. But why refuse her calls?

One evening, when Kensi and the team had stayed late to fill the boring paperwork that crowded their desks, Eric appeared at the top of the stairs with a concerned look on his face.

"Guys, you might want to see this..."

Momentarily confused by the lack of the usual whistle, Kensi got up along with Callen and Sam and climbed up the stairs. Usually Kensi would be excited by a new case, itching to do something dangerous, but all she could think about now was 'Great, more paperwork!'.

"Tell us about the case." said Callen, while Kensi took her place behind the desk in the center.

Eric and Nell shared a hesitant look that, weirdly, made Kensi's heart skyrocket. It couldn't be good news.

"Well," started Nell, "this isn't a case. We just thought you should know what happened"

The intelegence analyst directed her gaze to Kensi, her eyes filled with worry and pity.

"Last night, 911 was called to an intersection near the Ocean Ave where two cars crashed."

Eric took over, sending pictures from his tablet to the screen in front of them. A photo of two mangled cars, one of them strangely familiar, made Kensi stop breathing for a second.

"One of the victims, Jane Rodrigues, was declared dead on the scene. The other one is, um... male, mid. 30, blond..."

Kensi saw the room spinning, amd closed her eyes tightly shut. She knew, the moment she walked in, it wasn't good news.

"Deeks?" she asked, silently begging for it not to be true.

The two geeks nodded at the same time.

"He was taken to the hospital with a concussion, broken arm and two cracked ribs. When Deeks got to the ER, the doctors checked his system for alcohol or drugs..."

Kensi nodded her head furiosly. Deeks would never, willingly, do drugs or drive drunk. She was certain of it, because he would never risk the lives of innocent people while he risked his own live doing something stupid like that.

"No. Deeks wouldn't do that. Ever."

Her partner (or ex-partner, she Kensi didn't know anymore) was a good man. He knew how many lives he could ruin if he got drunk and then drive. He learned it, the hard way, when his father drank and nearly killed him and his mother.

"...but there weren't any." continued Nell, and gave her friend a small reassuring smile. "What the doctors did find was that Deeks is severely sleep-deprived. Like he hasn't slept in weeks. Now, studies show that if you spend more than 3 days without sleeping, you'll eventually start hallucinating. That's probably why he crashed."

Callen looked over his shoulder to Kensi. He knew his junior agents was very close to her partner. Closer than recommended.

"You good?" he asked.

"Can I go see him?" Kensi knew full well that she didn't answer Callen's question. Even being a highly trained federal agent, she couldn't lie to him when it was about her feelings towards Deeks.

"Sure. You need a ride?"

"No, it's okay. Thanks."

Kensi walked out of OPS and ran to her car, with only one thing on her mind: Deeks.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

On an average day, Kensi Blye was one of the worst drivers you could possibly find on the road: she drove like an old lady, sucked at parallel parking. But this was no average day for the federal agent. Kensi was sure she broke at least a dozen traffic rules on her way to the hospital, and stole somebody's spot at the parking lot.

She locked the car quickly and ran to the front desk.

"I'm here for detective Marty Deeks."

The middle-aged receptionist started typing on the computer and relayed the information to Kensi.

"Mr. Deeks was sleep-deprived when he got here, so the doctors had to put him in a medically induced coma, so he could heal. You'll have to talk to the nurse about the visits, so if you could just sit over there and wait for her, I'd appreciate it."

"Thanks."

Kensi sat down on the hard plastic chair, and while she waited, she took time to think. Nell and the receptionist said Deeks hadn't slept in weeks. Why? Quickly, recognition dawned in. PTSD. In the first few weeks after coming home, Jack couldn't sleep, too, because when he closed his eyes, it was like being back in Afghanistan. Every thing came back: the sound of shots being fired, explosions, deaths.

"Are you here for Detective Deeks?"

Kensi looked up to see a young brunette nurse, looking at her expectantly.

"Yes. Can I see him?"

"Sure."

The agent trailed after the nurse, whose name tag said Sarah, and followed her to the elevators. Sarah presses the button to go to the second floor.

"Well, Ms..."

"Blye." completed Kensi.

"Okay, Ms. Blye, Detective Deeks is still sleeping, but we already started lower his meds so he can wake up. Detective Deeks should be conscious in thirty to fourty minutes.

The elevator stopped and a little bell rang, signaling their arrival to the second floor. The nurse then turned left and stopped in front of a room.

"Your friend is in there. You can go in if you want."

Kensi's hand went for the door knob, but she hesitated. Maybe Deeks didn't want to see her. But _she_ had to see him. So Kensi took a deep breath, and opened the door slowly. Her ears became filled with the sound of soft beeps, signaling Deeks' heartbeats. Closing the door behind her, Kensi got closer to him. It was such a relief seeing him, like she had been underwater for too long and could now breath.

Her eyes danced around Deeks' face. The wounds on his nose and under his left eye were almost healed, but a bandage was now wrapped around his head, because of the head wound. There were bruise-like black circles under his eyes, due to the lack of sleep.

His right arm was in a cast, and there were bandages on his torso, too. Before she could stop it, a tear ran down Kensi's cheeck.

There was a soft knock on the door and Callen stepped in. Quickly wipping away that damned tear, she greated him with a shaky voice.

"Hey."

Callen wrapped an arm around Kensi's shoulder and gave her a quick side hug.

"Let's talk outside."

Glancing one last time at Deeks, Kensi closed the door. She turned to face Callen, who looked concerned.

"I know I already asked you, but is everything okay?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't it be?"

Callen gave her a knowing look.

"Look, I know something happened between you two. Don't try to say otherwise, because you can't fool me, but just know that you can always count on me for help. You're my little sister, okay?"

Kensi didn't answer him. She just hugged him, just like a brother and a sister would. Because that's exactly what they were: siblings.

Suddenly, the beeping on the other side of the doorincreased, and Kensi knew Deeks was waking up. She walked into the room along with Callen and a nurse.

Deeks' eyes fluttered open, and the nurse checked his vitals. Callen saw that Deeks and Kensi needed time to talk.

"We'll give you some time alone."

And then, it was just Kensi and Deeks. And a whole lot of tension.

"Hi." She said.

"What are you doing here?" He wasn't being rude; his tone was just sad.

"I came to see you."

After a brief silence, Deeks answered.

"Okay."

"Look, I..." Kensi took a deep breath. "I missed you."

She waited for his answer, but he didn't speak.

"I know it's been two months, but you just can't avoid me forever. We have to talk about what happened in the bullpen, and on the hill."

"Kensi, I-"

She noticed that he called her Kensi and not the usual 'Kens', and somehow that stung deep in her heart.

"No! We have to talk, okay?"

"What's done, is done. I can't take it back, and neither can you. But I think that, for now, we should just be friends."

Kensi wanted to run, to get out of the room and the hospital and never come back, but she felt stuck to the chair.

"I don't think that's enough."

She saw Deeks shift in the bed, while he made thought.

"Then... I guess maybe we shouldn't be friends at all."

Kensi looked at him, mouth agape. She felt something on her chest, something that was, unfortunately, very familiar. It was her heart breaking in tiny little pieces. She stood up and ran out of the door.

* * *

**Chapter 2, everybody! Did you like it? Please tell me, review and give some sugestions if you want.**

**Now, I have a question. How do you greet someone that you just met, in America? Here in Portugal, we usually double-kiss ( I think that's the word), I mean kinda kiss each others cheeks. Now that I think about it, it's kind of weird. Anyways, I thinks that might come in handy in future chapters. Bye!**

**-Laura**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi, everybody! Thank you for reviewing and answering my question. Obrigada às portuguesas que me deram feedback, gosto muito de ler as vossas reviews!** **I hope you enjoy chapter 3!**

**Chapter 3- I'll wait**

_"Then... I guess maybe we shouldn't be friends at all."_

_Kensi looked at him, mouth agape. She felt something on her chest, something that was, unfortunately, very familiar. It was her heart breaking in tiny little pieces. She stood up and ran out of the door._

Kensi ran past Callen, ignoring his shouts.

"Kens? Kensi!"

Callen didn't understand why she was ignoring him. But he could tell, by the way she ran, that Kensi was angry and sad. And that made him go into 'overprotective brother' mode. He stomped into Deeks' room and glared at him, making him cringe.

"What did you do?" barked Callen.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Callen was fuming by now, and Deeks wasn't helping.

"Listen, I think you're forgetting that Kensi is my little sister. Whatever you did - fix it."

The senior agent didn't give Deeks a chance to explain and left him alone with his thoughts. He knew he had hurt Kensi, but it hurt _him_ being with her, pretending he didn't love her, because he couldn't lie to himself. He was tired of censoring his own thoughts, of trying to convince himself that he wasn't head over heals with his partner.

Deeks remembered the crash. He had gone out, for the first time in two months, only due to the fact that he had no food left. On his way to the grocery store, he saw Kensi crossing the road, right in the middle of the intersection. She was so close, and right in the path of his car. Of course that now, Deeks knew it was just another hallucination, like the was he'd been having for days before that, but it just looked so real. He stepped on the brakes, hastily stopping the car. He was vaguely aware of the sound of a honk, and then there was a blinding to the side of his skull. He had welcomed the darkness and knew his last thought had been about Kensi.

The rest was a bit hazy. He only recalled waking up and seeing Kensi... The relief of seeing her and knowing that she was okay, only to have that relief replaced by hurt and sadness. Kensi admitted that being friends wasn't enough for her, but he wasn't ready to be in a relationship, at least not yet. So Deeks decided it was best to simply not see her for a while.

But as he thought back to his hallucination, he wondered what would've happened if that really were Kensi, if she died. Deeks would never have the chance to tell her how she really felt.

Quickly making up his mind, Deeks jumped out of the bed.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kensi parked her car in her driveway, barely being able to see through the tears. After getting inside, she curled up on her couch.

Another man, another man left her. Somehow they alway did, but she couldn't blame them: Kensi was a mess, she was broken. First, her dad, her hero, her best friend. Kensi knew he didn't think she was a mess, but he still left her, altough not willingly. Then, Jack. She had tried so hard to help him with his meds, appointements, everything, but he was gone.

And then there was Deeks. Peraphs the most important of them all, he was the one who always understood, the one who could see right through Kensi. She had put him through so much, hurt him so bad, when she left him, just because of her stupid fears.

Suddenly, she heard a knock on the door. Kensi didn't budge and waited for the person to go away, since she wasn't really in the mood for talking. But the person on the other side wasn't going away, and sighing, she opened the door.

"Deeks!"

Marty Deeks standing outside of her door, still clad in the hospital flannel pants, seemingly out of breath.

"How did you get here?"

"I convinced a nurse. Can I please come in?"

Nodding, Kensi quickly stepped aside.

"Uh... Yeah, sure, come in."

Deeks hopped to couch and sat down, groaning in pain. Kensi sat down on the couch, her eyes still a little puffy from the tears, and admired the awkwardness of the situation.

"So... why did you come here?"

He started playing with his fingers, avoiding her eyes.

"I, uh... well, just after you left, Callen came in and talked some sense into me. He said I had to fix what I did, and then I started thinking. The truth is, Kensi, the reason I crashed yesterday... was you."

"Me?"

He felt weak for what he was about to say, but he knew this was finally the time for them to talk.

"Yeah. I'm sure someone already told you, but I haven't slept in a while. And when I was driving, I- I saw you, crossing the door, almost getting ran over by me. So I wondered what would happen if you..." he took a shaky breath. "If you died. And I realized that I would never forgive myself if I never told you the truth."

By now, Kensi was nearly crying again. God, what happened to the kickass federal agent?

"What truth?"

"That there really is a thing here," he gestured to the two of them. "between us, and I feel like everything, the flirting, the banter, is leading to something bigger."

Kensi couldn't think of an answer. How could one possibly match the what Deeks had just said?

"I know."

"But I don't think I'm ready, just yet. I'll be, eventually, so I just need some time, but I still need you as a friend. I'm sorry for what I said."

For the first time in two months, Kensi finally smiled. Altough small, it was still a smile.

"I'ts okay. I shouldn't have left."

Kensi smiled again, and took his hand.

"I'll wait."

* * *

**I hoped you liked chapter 3. For some reason, I wasn't really sure about posting this chapter, I kinda think it's a bit worse than the others.**

**So, a guest wrote that he thought Deeks was a bit agressive. For the guest, first of all, don't be sorry for saying what you think, like you say in portuguese: não levo a mal! I accept every type of review (unless someone says something really hurtful). I think that Deeks was a bit agressive, too, but he needed time to think. And thanks for the compliment! I've been studying english for about 11 years now.**

**To all of my lovely readers: I have two exams next weeks, geography and german, so don't expect a very big chapter. I'll try to write as much as possible, anyways.**

**Please review! =)**

**-Laura**


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